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Are you too critical when you make mistakes? Time to give self-compassion a go

bewellcoadmin 11 Nov 2024 • 7 min

If your compassion doesn’t include yourself, it is incomplete” The Buddha

Let’s start this article by considering a simple scenario: think of a time when you were working towards a goal or a milestone, you made one (or more) mistakes, and it had negative consequences. Can you think of the thoughts that went through your head? The words you used? Were they pretty negative? Did they sound more like a punishment than a motivation to move forward?

Now ask yourself a simple question: if this would happen to your best friend, your partner or your kid, would you use those same (negative) words? In other words: are you nicer to others in the light of failure than you are to yourself?

If this sounds a bit like you, or like someone you know, you may want to keep reading.

The curious case of our lack of self-compassion

Many of us have been taught that if we want to achieve, we need self-criticism to motivate us and improve. We carry internalised voices from past experiences that can be harsh and unforgiving. We may worry that if we are too nice to ourselves, we will get complacent and stop striving for success.

But what if we told you that this is a myth that lives in our heads? What if we told you that self-criticism isn’t as productive as we sometimes think it is? What if we told you hat a different way of thinking, called practicing “self-compassion”, can help you achieve the same intended outcomes (learning from and growing after challenges) without falling into a spiral of negative self-talk?

When we practice self-compassion in light of a failure, we:

Treat ourselves with kindness, rather than setting out to punish ourselves
Realise that mistakes are human, that all of us make them and that we aren’t alone in making them
Focus on staying present in the moment without judging ourselves too much, rather than beating ourselves up over what has happened or ruminate about the potential consequences (that may never occur).

Self-compassion is a process we can learn over time and it looks different from person to person. Engaging in self-compassion is a skill that involves a conscious choice. This may feel selfish at times, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. We be there for others if we are suffering. We won’t perform optimally if we constantly beat ourselves up. It is not good for ourselves, nor for the people that rely on us at home and at work.

Self-compassion is about considering our own needs and taking care of yourself, allowing you to cope through tough times. As Canadian psychologist, Dr Agnes Wainman explains, “Self-care is something that refuels us, rather than takes from us.”

What are the benefits of practicing self-compassion?

There are many benefits to self-compassion, with studies indicating that the primary outcome is improved mood and reduced anxiety. Evidence also suggests that engagement in self-compassion activities can:

Activate your parasympathetic nervous system and allows your body to restore and relax
Help you to re-prioritise your most important values and get in touch with what matters to you most
Enable you to be more productive and present in those areas that matter,
Makes you aware of how you’re spending your time, brings your goals into sharper focus
Let’s you focus on the task at hand and enjoy it

Above all, self-compassion is about giving ourselves kindness and understanding rather than harsh criticism when we make mistakes or feel inadequate. With gentle support and encouragement from ourselves, we can overcome challenges and maintain our wellbeing and sense of self. It is not about coddling yourself, it is simply adopting a way of managing failure that is more productive and in line with how we go about helping others manage failure.

Have you got a tip on how to start practicing self-compassion?

A simple technique aimed at helping us develop more self-compassion – which we teach in our Be Well programs and one of our workshops on self-compassion – is called the compassionate friend exercise. It is simple:

Think of a time when a friend or colleague made a mistake: what were the words you used when you spoke to them about the mistake?
Now think of a time when you made a mistake: what were the words you used?
If there is a big difference between those two scenarios, ask yourself how you can catch yourself in the moment and alter the way you talk to yourself.
Use this reflection on an ongoing basis to make it easier to identify when your negative voice comes out, and how you can change it so it is more in line with how you treat others.